A Faltered conviction
by chickenaut
Summary: Romance on perilous journey of Renegon Shepard and unselfish Tali.


The usual blablabla, long time unregistered reader, first time writer. The lack of mass effect renegon character that romanced Tali fanfic story bothered me, so i made this silly story (or i think it is), so anybody can say "I can do better than this", and start to write any story about them ( and post it ), so i can enjoyed my evening, by reading mass effect fanfic and sip an ice tea ( or coffe, beer, whatever ) more. Alas, English is not my native language, my grammar suck, my pronunciation blow ( hey, thanks google! It isn't pronounciation ), and I only can type with two fingers, so please beware. I didn't hold whatever is that bioware held or whatever legal terms is. Any input would be appreciated. Beta reader suggestion needed. Done.

Without further ado, i present you,

**A FALTERED CONVICTION**

Restless. At least that's what Shepard thought. For a man with a little patient and always got the result done, the waiting was killing him. All report already had been read and approved, The fish and the hamster already had been feed, and there wasn't any model ship that he could build. There was no task that he could think of at the moment. The music player that he turned on appeared fruitless to calm him. Cerberus's music selection didn't appeal to him. He conceded with his situation, and turned off the music player. Then, he was lying on to the bed, hands behind his head, and closed his eyes. Soon he felt the other senses.

First he heard The Hum of the ship, felt the air temperature on his cabin, smelt the cleaning agent in the bed sheet. Then he started to heard his heart beat, his hamster chew's sound, the sound of water effect that his fish swam in. He also felt his cabin air flow went and started to count the smell of each items in his cabin. His senses built from his training as special forces soldier and life as a colonist kid that hunt for a living, and that became his second nature.

His mind started to wander. He remembered the past memory, with no particular order. He remembered when he ate the last time, when he was young and attending a classroom, when he first met Joker and Kaidan. And then he remembered siege of Torfan. He hated that when that happened. A bad memory. There was nothing good about it. Complicated by the lack of intel, unrealistic order from the brass, and the enemy were well prepared, made it all hell broke loose.

He saw a lot of his friend died. It was almost like Mindoir all over again. In the end there was "no quarter given" to the Batarian. His lust for revenge, ran amok that day. When all was over he felt nothing but the emptiness. From Torfan Shepard learned something new. That his life still needed to keep going, there was a lot Batarian out there and some human traitor that involved with slave trading that he needed to keep them down. A lesson that he first learned from the Batarian slaver raid that killed his parent on Mindoir.

Then something disturbed his thought. A sudden change broke in the airflow in his room, followed by a smell of a distinct fabric, and a low sound that like someone was trying to tiptoe through the room. Even when his eyes closed, he could senses a different light, changing from his aquarium's blue to the dark. He knew someone is closed. A sudden realisation made him smiled.

"Tali, you woke me up."

"I'm sorry Shepard, I didn't mean to disturb you"

Shepard opened his eye and then staring at what supposed to be tali's eye behind her mask. "But you wanted to, come here."

Shepard suddenly grab her side, pulled Tali closer and placed her on to opposite side of the bed. Tali squeaked in the process and then giggled. Shepard made his face closer to Tali's Mask and was trying to see past the tinted glass.

"You don't have to pretend if you want to watch me now."

"And here I thought you never noticed me when we first met."

"Well, I'm really stupid back then, besides I'm not familiar with the Quarian and their way."

"Is that why you refused me to join you in the first place?"

"Do you really want to hear the answer?"

"Yes."

"As a soldier especially special force soldier, you need a very drastic point of view. Your own and others life became meaningless. You are prepared to die. You knew every mission you take could be your last mission. And you always received a mission with low chance of survival. If you die, that's it. If you are religious or not, you knew that your debt, your promised never be resolved, if you have one. Life as a soldier taught me that. I believed that you have no business with Saren any longer. I knew that mission would be very dangerous, you also relatively safe since Saren's secret already out and you had your own obligation."

Shepard continued.

"At that time I thought you are civilian, just like human civilian. That's before i knew how complicated it was the interaction between military and civilian in Quarian's society. To be honest..."

"To be honest... what?"

"I thought you oblivious when you said why you are joining me. I once thought you like an idealistic person that never tasted the bitter of reality."

"What! you think that I'm a dreamy? I'm young at that time but not that young!"

"I said I once thought that."

"You Boshtet!" Tali showed her back to and away from Shepard.

"Tali... please... I'm sorry. I can't bear the look of you mad at me."

"No talking."

"Please?... Really please?"

"..."

"You don't want to know how i changed my mind?"

Tali faced her body to Shepard again. "This better be good!"

"I need to start from the beginning then. Remember when we were going to Feros?"

* * *

"Chief."

"Yes commander?"

"I got a task for you."

"Yes, sir."

"We both knew that we're racing to our colony on Feros, hoping that we can prevent the next Eden Prime... It's on the other side of the galaxy, I know. It's a long shot, but it's better to hope rather than doing nothing at all."

"You don't have to tell me twice, skipper."

"There is still some time before we reach there. Not much, but I think you can make use of it."

"What's on your mind, sir."

"I need my team ready for this, and the most experienced member in fighting the Geth, is you, Kaidan and Tali."

"Yes, sir."

"I'm worried about Tali."

Ashley noticed something odd, and then she spoke.

"May I speak freely, sir?"

"You may."

"Is this about Jenkins? That's not your fault, skipper."

"This is not only about that."

Shepard sighed.

"Jenkins is a soldier, I do regret his death. He died young but he died for the greater good, he knew the consequences. Tali is a civilian or maybe once a reservist, and I do not want some civilian or someone that not with her right mind, die on my concious..."

"Maybe you are just over thinking it, skipper."

"Do I sense some hesitation from you, Ash?"

"No skipper, I meant what I once said, Tali as an alien will not bother me."

"Okay, Look, i don't question her ability, but her mind is not in to the mission. I need you to guide her, train her, whatever it takes to make her in to shape, prepare for fighting a head. Show her the glimpse of reality of war. Treat her as new recruit for the military. Made her focused if you will. But that's only if you think that Tali really knew what she wanted. If you sense otherwise then flunked her. I will take care of the rest."

"I understand, sir."

"Good, your record was exemplary, a leader material. This is a chance for you to worked with the aliens. You are promising."

"Well... Thank you, sir."

"That's for now."

"Yes, sir."

"Dismissed."

* * *

Tali, broke Shepard's story and said,

"So, That's why Chief Williams being so hard on me... Is that why you were also very stern on me Shepard?"

"Well,... yeah. I did hope you changed your mind, by seeing how dangerous and awful it is."

"I... didn't know that you bothered so much about Jenkins's death. Is this have something to do with you on Torfan?"

"That and Mindoir actually... Me and all of my living squad member on Torfan knew how suicidal our mission was. For me, Mindoir is a reminder how important the mission on Torfan is. While Torfan is a reminder for your own and everyone else mortality."

Tali muttered "It reminds me something then..."

* * *

"Are you already give up now, Quarian? If that's true, then say it so!"

"No, chief!"

It's almost a week that commander Shepard asked me to join a teamwork orientation. Commander Shepard told me that it needed to smooth the integration of aliens into system alliance fighting force. I'm still unconvinced that's the real reason. While Chief Williams try every possible way to make me to say "i give up", the other aliens, like Garrus and Wrex didn't do much anything at all beside their own business. This "orientation" it's already hitting my nerve, and constant bark that called me a Quarian also didn't help. I think I need to say something.

"What's all of this chief? This training useless, I knew what I capable of!"

"This is just a small tastes of whats to come! Keep pushing! Or are you giving up now? You can quit the team!"

Tali stand up, frustrated.

"Is this because of I'm Quarian?"

"I don't care if you're Quarian, Krogan or god forbid Turian! You are part of the system alliance marine now! We are all bleed the same!"

"Keelah! Is this because of I'm still junior on the team? Give me a mission! I'll proved to you or everyone else!"

Ashley stroke an intimidating pose to Tali and screamed.

"GOOD! You and me already have been chosen by the commander to accompany him to Feros as an away team! You better be ready then! Because I will watching you every step of the way! I don't want you to become as my embarrassment! Now, keep, pushing!"

Tali could senses that Garrus chuckling in the back. She always knew that Garrus had a very strange sense of humor. And she thought that Shepard is watching this too. She already had enough with Chief Williams as a problem. She didn't want commander Shepard thought that she is not a team player, or worse. She relented and continued what Chief Williams ordered her to do.

"You know Chief, We do have different blood colors and types?"

"I'm not tolerating any wise-ass crack from you, Quarian. Now double the pace!"

* * *

Tali grumbled,

"In the end, you treated me far more worse than Chief Williams on Feros."

Tali punched Shepard's right arm, and then said

"I also fought tooth and nail to convinced you and Chief Williams, every time I wanted to join the away team after that."

Tali punched Shepard's right arm again, and Shepard flinched.

"Aw, okay.. okay it's all my fault... Chief Williams just doing her job. She's actually doing a good job at it though, just look at you and Liara. She didn't have biotic ability, but She could shape Liara from a frightful scientist to a full blown biotic warrior. "

"Is that your doing too? I could see the difference on Liara's face when she first come on board Normandy compared to when she faced her mother. I'm usually could hear her crying in Normandy's bathroom stall. She refused to admit that she is crying when i tried to cheer her up. It became less frequent after we hit Noveria. You're very mean Shepard."

Shepard shifted his body and faced the ceiling.

"She didn't have business to deal the danger of the mission. If she really wanted to, she needs to become a soldier. And if you blamed me then you should blame Wrex too. He is the one giving the idea to Liara, how brilliant idea it was to became a combatant. That damn Krogan! I thinks he's looking for his own morbid amusement."

"You're hopeless..."

"Perhaps, but you know I'm right on this."

"Liara once told me that human are like a wolf, they maybe weaker and smaller than a Varren, but if they bite, they never let it go. I believe she admired human determination, that's why she didn't quit. She thinks that human valued a very determent person. She look at you as the most wolf like and try to model it."

"She's way to much watching old National Geographic vid."

"So..."

"So... uh what?"

"Do you want to continue your story?"

"Ah yes... Where were we?... Remember when we had conversation in a Salarian's tent... on Virmire?"

* * *

"The upcoming battle frightens me but I know Saren must be stop. I want to join the shadow team."

"You don't have to accompany me in shadow team, Tali. You can guard the Normandy here until we take out that AA gun. I already decided to pick Wrex and Chief Williams for the mission."

"You knew the logical choice is to pick me, commander, I'm the most qualified to set up the bomb if there is an emergency. I can help Chief Williams, and I'm really good with the Geth."

"I think Chief Williams and Wrex can handle that."

"Why you don't assigned me, commander ? I really want to join the team! These Salarian willing to die to stop Saren, so am i."

"You already had your pilgrimage gift, by courageously fought the geth invasion. you have nothing to proved."

"You wrong! I had it because you gave it to me!"

"I will not think less of you, Tali. I'm always counting on you. I think I'm already said that when i gave you permission to copy the geth data. I think you should stay here."

"What's the reason Shepard? Do you think because I'm young, you didn't pick me?"

"That's... not it."

"Keelah! If you make a big deal out of whatever the reason is, I will join Lieutenant Kaidan. The STG will welcome me for another extra hand!"

"Tali, Wait! You had a solemn promised to stay with me."

"What good of that promised is, if I can't follow you in your team in this important mission! My promised showed that I'm willing to do for the greater good. Just let me full filled my promised, please!"

Shepard sighed.

"I had enough fight with my own squad member in one day. First Wrex, now you. Fine, you can follow me. I will tell Chief Williams to go back and prepared the bomb in Normandy."

"Thank you... I will fight with fire for you, Shepard. I promised."

* * *

Tali was playing her finger around Shepard's chest and said,

"You knew i'm right, i'm not?"

"Back then you just opened my eyes that you are a very determent and caring person, you embrace the burden that you born to help your own people, and not only just that."

"I start to like what i'm hearing now. Please go on."

"It was wrong to hold you back, I blinded myself back then for all of your effort. You are not just willing to help your own people but also the others. You still have a lot spirit left even after the Chief Williams's training, Engineer Adams's assignment and your own requested duty. You still nice to me even after all my treatment to you. Your unselfishness made me ashamed of my self. You are became more mature... I'm..."

Shepard took deep breath, faced his body to tali, held tali hands, and saw her straight to her eyes, and said with a calm and deep voiced.

"Now you know that... I'm just a broken man with a bad past, trying to fixed something... anything, my attitude is terrible, alone in the feel of emptiness, a frustrated man with his selfish needs for your trust and love. My enemy is my own feeling. By not telling you my real reason that day, i'm fighting for control of myself. Because, I'm a futureless man, a sacrifice for the good of the many. A condemn man on every mission. I could be death at anytime. I already have. Now, I'm just an evil man for he can not hold his moment of weakness. Being that, I am... sorry... Tali."

Moment of silence started to loom, and then Tali let go her hand from Shepard and raised her body, facing to Shepard from above with one of her hand placed on to his shoulder and frantically responded,

"That's not true Shepard... behind that attitude, you are a very good man. Yes, you kill every merc you crossed with, you gave no second chance to criminal and killer, but you risked your own life for every civilian on Feros. You saved the hostages rather than to killed Balak, you even showed mercy to the Rachni. You always being honest with yourself, you treated the others like they should have been treated. You really do care about me!"

Then Tali's speech started to tremble,

"I... I can't do that... how hard i tried, My dedication to my people... to others,... to you, i'm just minuscule. You.. you deserved my love or... anybody love that you wanted."

"You sell yourself short, Tali."

"And you sell yourself shorter than mine!"

Shepard raised his body, rested on his pillow, and invited Tali to rest her head to his chest.

"Hush, just hug me ... "

Tali rested her head on to Shepard chest, and then Shepard continue,

"You don't have to think about it. I already accepted my fate."

"..., Shepard."

"Yes, Tali."

"Should I die, will you regret anything?"

"I know that you know,... i don't want you to worried about me. I will cherish every moment of my life with you... you are the only soul mate for me. Promised me that you will remember that".

"I promised."

"then If I'm going to die... again... "

"I will know that you always loved me, just like the first time."


End file.
